Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Fagsy M-ALONE

I never planned on being alone & single at my age. Kissed a lot of frogs, sat thru a thousand excruciating dates, been on every dating app & site invented, showed up to every blind date I was set up on etc. etc. etc. Not sure what I did wrong or if I did anything wrong at all? I tried. I really did. And for years. So now, here I am. Habitually comfortable with being alone. 

Every night before I turn out the light to go to sleep I think about my aloneness. Not in a sad or depressed way but more in just a conscious way at how normal and comfortable my aloneness feels to me. If I were to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent so many years looking for the one man who'd fulfill the fantasy I held onto of what a relationship is supposed to be. I wouldn't have looked desperately for "the one". And I would not have played the victim in my loneliness. No, if I were to do it all over again .... I'd work on loving myself first and loving myself enough to be okay with being alone. I'd have not confused sex or attention for love and I would not have any expectations. I'd've looked for a connection with someone first and relished in that instead of pushing to have sex right out of the gate and THEN expecting a connection. I'd spend more time with friends and famliy and I'd focus on believing in myself and working towards achieving goals and making my dreams come true.

Too many years my focus was to find love. To fill a void in me that didn't feel good enough. I've worked hard to fill that void up over the past couple years and I think I've done pretty good. I actually enjoy being with myself now. Yes, I have that conscious moment that I'm alone before I go to sleep every night but it's just an observation. Maybe to keep me on track. Who knows?

I guess what I'm trying to say is ... love yourself. Don't go out there looking for love in some trashy roadhouse bar or hick-town bait party. It ain't there. Love is right here, right now, inside of you. If you can't seem to get to it or understand it ... do the work! Learn to love yourself unconditionally. Learn to feel lovable! It's not something that's out there far away ... it's right here girl. Trust me kiddos ... self love is the key to a content & happy life.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

New Straight Talk With Ross Episode!

Nope

When I was unhappy, depressed & resentful I was the first one to criticize others online. I was never mean but I didn't hold back with what I was feeling. Now that I'm clean, happy and aware of how toxic resentment is ... when someone leaves a negative comment, reply or post I just see it as a blazing display of that persons unhappiness. If you're happy ... truly happy ... you'll have no room for any kind of negativity in your life. I'm not saying this in judgement because trust me, I was miserable for years & girl, I let it be known. I just now know that there is absolutely no point in posting a negative or mean comment online. (Trump is an exception tho. lol) Also, life goes by too quickly to waste your time being miserable. If you're unhappy find the root of it and change it! Do the work!
I'm still Fagsy, still snarky & will throw down if I'm attacked. I just got no time anymore for anyones negativity.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

New Podcast!


Time to reinvent! Been "Under The Bus" and back and now it's time to try something new! Starting Tuesday September 5, 2017 I'll be recording my first episode of my new podcast "It's A Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay Podcast With Mr. Malone"!!

I've always felt that Life was my stage and that the people I encountered throughout my day were my audience and sometimes my co-stars! In my new Gay, Gay, Gay, Gay podcast I'll be taking you along (via snippits) with me throughout my day. Simply put ... a day (or gay) in the life of Fagsy Malone! No editing (except for putting the sections in one show), no fakery, no musical numbers (wait, I take that back ... OF COURSE they'll be musical numbers!!) and no script. Just Fagsy ... raw, uncensored, unfiltered, real and of course GAY!

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Out With The Old - In With The New

After my Mom died in 2007, I went into a deep depression. I couldn't process the fact that my beautiful strong Mother had died. It didn't make sense. I knew it was coming and she was ready to go but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. So, in order for me to deal with the pain I took pain killers. Five long years I was hooked on that shit. I'm lucky to be alive today. And clean.

During those five years of depression and isolating from the world ... I spent a lot of time on social media. Twitter became my link to the outside world. I was crass and cutting. Never mean but because I wasn't happy, I was hyper-sensitive to the successful. Resentment is a dangerous place to dwell in and girl, I dwelled in it for all those years and I think it was apparent at times on Twitter and here on this blog.

Eventually, (as some may know), I found my way in to recovery and it saved my life. I hated going to meetings and working the steps. I hated not being able to pop a couple pills to "feel better". It was horrible but thank God something in me told me to stay with it. I worked my ass off to get clean and tho it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, now every day, I'm filled with gratitude that I stuck with it, that I'm alive, I'm clean, I'm happy and that I finally know what it feels like to love yourself.

This blog was my journal for the five years I was depressed. I lay'd it down. I was honest and blunt with everything I was going thru at the time. It was an outlet for me to maybe be of service, in a sense, to the addict who was suffering out there and I think it worked. Over the years I've received countless e-mails from readers who identified with me and all that I was going through. Many shared that they didn't feel so alone after reading my blog and many went into recovery because of me! This was the pay off and what kept me writing. If I helped even just one person then it was all worth it.  I also told crazy stories which by the way, were all true. Like when I farted on "Karen" or spreading my Moms ashes at Target or me trying to get out of jury "doody". This blog, was my world. It became a tool to help me thru the pain of getting clean and finding my way out of the darkness and into the light.

Over this last year, I started to feel happy, hopeful and optimistic about my life again. The turning point for me was when I realized that a lot of my resentment and unhappiness centered around me playing the victim. Everything was everyone else's fault. My expectation of what I thought others should do for me was the culprit. Expectation leads to resentment ... resentment leads to unhappiness. When I got this, it felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Because this blog was mostly a record of my unhappiness and I was no longer unhappy ... over the last year I just kinda let it sit here. It reminded me too much of sadness and all those unhappy years. I'd try to read something I wrote 4 years ago and could barely get thru it. I lost the desire to write.
Yesterday, out of the blue, something told me to un-publish all my past blog entries and re-design the blog. Start over with a new look and new blog entries! Positive, uplifting, crazy and informative entries! No more sad "woe is me" posts! Now, don't get me wrong ... I'm human, I have my days but as far as this blog goes ... I'll only be posting positive, fun, uplifting and entertaining things from here on out.

I want to thank everyone who has followed me thru it all. You have no idea how much your support helped me. Over 78,000 hits is no joke! Super grateful!!

So here's to a new fun-filled chapter of my life!

Thanks for reading!
♥️ Fagsy

Monday, November 10, 2014

I Once Farted On Karen

Okay, my best friend is a movie director and she's directed some pretty popular movies. A couple years ago she directed Barbra Streisand in a movie called 'The Guilt Trip'. Sweet movie and I'm in it. (don't blink). Blah Blah Blah ... Anyway, for my Christmas gift that year she took me to see Barbra in concert at the Hollywood Bowl. We had great seats and afterwards we got to go back stage to see Barbra in her dressing room. I know, it was big time.

So we go back stage and into Barbra's dressing room. My friend says hi to Barbra and I say hi to her too (she really is a lovely woman). My friend introduces me to James Brolin (who swears he's met me before) then we both step aside (there was a gaggle of celebs there to say hi to Barbra). 

Out of the way, my friend introduces me to a woman named Karen. "Fagsy, you remember Karen, right?" (I didn't). I say hi to this kind of plain looking mousy woman. I ask her if she worked on the movie (I thought she worked in wardrobe on the film). She just kinda looked at me. It felt like I had met her before. Because I usually feel more comfortable with crew folk ...  I felt instantly comfortable with this woman. 

So my friend leaves to go shmooze and I'm left standing there alone with Karen. We strike up a conversation. She was quiet and had the energy of a mouse. 

Suddenly, I smelled a fart. So I said to Karen "did you fart?". She just looked at me. Then "Fagsy" started coming out. I started saying things like: "Someone shit their pants", "It smells like raw shit in here", "I hope someone has diapers on" etc. ... and loudly! Karen just smiled at my antics. I then started fake farting with my mouth (loudly) and Karen just smiled at me. I really loved this woman. I brought up a couple more things with her like I said "It smells like bullshit in here" and "I'm bored" etc. Just raunchy, real talk cause I felt so comfortable with her.

After about 15 minutes my friend came back and it was time to leave. We both said goodbye to Karen and as I left I turned around, bent over and stuck my butt out to Karen and farted SO LOUD. Directly at her! "Phhhhhhhhhhttttttt" and in Barbra's dressing room!! She just smiled awkwardly at me.

Walking back to the car, I'm telling my friend how much I liked Karen and how wild I was to her. My friend suddenly stops and starts laughing and saying "Oh my god!!" I ask why she's laughing. And she says, "Oh my god, I introduced you to Karen. I kept calling her Karen! It was DONNA Karan! NOT "Karen"!

What.

So all that raunch I spewed out to "Karen" was really DONNA Karan?

Yep.

Oh Fagsy.

We laughed and laughed. There I was... little ol' sweet Fagsy Sue being all harsh, dirty and inappropriate not knowing it was one of the biggest designers in the world! Miss Donna Jean Karan! (I just made up her middle name "Jean" cause it flowed) 

It really topped the night!

Here's me and Barbra's longtime manager Marty Erlichman backstage that night. SO bummed I didn't get a picture of me and "Karen".

Oh well.

Fagsy and Marty Erlichman

"Karen"
BKA: Donna Karan

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Fagsy Says Goodbye To Mom At Target

The MRI showed masses around her colon but Mom didn't want to have tests or procedures done to have any more of a diagnoses. She had an intense dislike of hospitals and Doctors that had manifested when she was a young girl with Polio having to stay in and out of hospitals.
At 69 and not in the best shape physically, emotionally or spiritually she was not going to put herself thru the riggers of tests and procedures and hospital stays. No, Mom chose to go home and sit in her chair in front of her TV until it was time for Hospice to come in.
And that is what she did.

As her body started to show signs of breaking down and things were starting to happen. Hospice was called in to assist my Mom in her "transition" (Hospice loved saying that to me. I'd come in and say "How's she doing?" and they'd say in a very sad kinda forlorn manner "she's transitioning") ... Duh.  Most of the time she was pretending to be asleep just so that she didn't have to socialize with the nurse on duty. Mom had decided she wanted to be cremated after she was gone. One day I asked her where she'd like me to spread her ashes. She answered "the make-up isle at Target"

After Mom died I fell into a dark depression. One day I sent out a random Tweet that I wanted to go spread Moms ashes at Target but that I was spooked to do it. I'd seen on the news awhile back that some lady got arrested at Disneyland because she spread her husbands ashes inside The Pirates Of The Caribbean attraction. I knew Target had eyes in the sky and being the obsessive compulsive homo addict I am ... I played the tape out so far that I was eventually thrown in prison, raped by a thug named Bubba and put in solitary confinement for Life. Just for spreading my Mom's ashes at Target. The life of an addict is so thrilling. To my surprise, Kristen responded to my tweet and offered to go with me for support! How great is that! I knew right away that she was the perfect person to help me do this. Her strength and humor was exactly what I needed to honor Mom at Target. Coincidentally, Kristen has a lot of similarities with my Mom ... beauty, strength and humor. So, we made a date. 

On the day of ... Kristen had a plan. Thank God she did because I was nervous, out of my gay body emotionally and couldn't think straight (or gay). Her idea was to divide Moms ashes up in 2 small containers so that it would be easier to sprinkle Mom as we walked. So we went to Rite Aid, purchased the containers and got back into the car to pour Moms ashes into the containers. Kristen basically did it cause I was slow. Emptying Moms ashes out onto the center console of Kristen's car ... Kristen preceded to divide Moms ashes up with a business card like a seasoned drug addict would prepare a line of coke. The car windows were down so particles of Mom were floating in the breeze everywhere ...all over Kristen's car! She didn't mind. 

Our first attempt to spread Moms ashes at Target was a bust because it was Easter Sunday and it was closed. Part of me was relieved because I didn't have to worry about it. At least we were prepared now so we made plans for the following weekend.

The following Sunday, we once again got in the car and headed back to Target. This time it was open. "Ok, we're really gonna do this. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I'm spooked" Once inside, Kristen grabbed a cart and said "give me the ashes ... let me just do this" And thank God ... I was frozen in anticipation ... this was my Mom! ... this is a big deal! ... A big moment.

So we saunter around the store for awhile. Kristen comfortably looked at things and put items in the cart like she was out strolling in a park on a beautiful day. And there I was a nervous wreck inside. See, she was the perfect person to help me with this. We finally enter the make-up department and Kristen strolls up to a Target employee who happened to be working in the department and starts asking her questions about which products are best for her with her type of skin etc. I'm all interested in what Kristen was asking the girl about and was standing there listening and watching when I looked down and there near Kristen's feet, on the ground, was a big pile of Mom!! Oh my God!! ... Kristen was actually sprinkling Mom onto the floor the whole time she was asking questions to the Target girl! Then Kristen turns to me and says, under her breath, "take the other container! You dump that one!" Kristen knew the importance of this. My heart started beating so fast. I got the container and Kristen led the girl to another area as I followed. Fagsy's thoughts: "I don't think I can do this. I can't move. Then Kristen says "Hurry UP! Do it!" (I figure Kristen couldn't keep this girl for much longer) so I dumped them. Yep, poured Mom right out. I was too nervous to look down so I kept moving with my head up as Kristen and I left the department. As we turned the corner I did briefly glance back and look down at where I had sprinkled Mom and saw the pile of ashes quickly being dragged along through the isle by someone else's shopping cart. 

Perfect.
We did it.

Out of the department, Kristen immediately grabbed me and hugged me tight. In that hug it felt as if my Mom was hugging me ... telling me that it was over ... that it was all okay now and that I did the right thing.

I will forever be grateful to Kristen for her generosity, her open-heartedness, her humor and her strength. She gave me the guts that day to do what I needed to do. And Mom, you're now free and forever in the make-up isle at Target where you can now have all the make-up you've ever dreamed of.

Oh, and obviously we weren't arrested and thrown in jail.

Love you Mom, Love you Kristen!