Thursday, May 30, 2013

Fagsy Says Goodbye To Mom At Target

The MRI showed masses around her colon but Mom didn't want to have tests or procedures done to have any more of a diagnoses. She had an intense dislike of hospitals and Doctors that had manifested when she was a young girl with Polio having to stay in and out of hospitals.
At 69 and not in the best shape physically, emotionally or spiritually she was not going to put herself thru the riggers of tests and procedures and hospital stays. No, Mom chose to go home and sit in her chair in front of her TV until it was time for Hospice to come in.
And that is what she did.

As her body started to show signs of breaking down and things were starting to happen. Hospice was called in to assist my Mom in her "transition" (Hospice loved saying that to me. I'd come in and say "How's she doing?" and they'd say in a very sad kinda forlorn manner "she's transitioning") ... Duh.  Most of the time she was pretending to be asleep just so that she didn't have to socialize with the nurse on duty. Mom had decided she wanted to be cremated after she was gone. One day I asked her where she'd like me to spread her ashes. She answered "the make-up isle at Target"

After Mom died I fell into a dark depression. One day I sent out a random Tweet that I wanted to go spread Moms ashes at Target but that I was spooked to do it. I'd seen on the news awhile back that some lady got arrested at Disneyland because she spread her husbands ashes inside The Pirates Of The Caribbean attraction. I knew Target had eyes in the sky and being the obsessive compulsive homo addict I am ... I played the tape out so far that I was eventually thrown in prison, raped by a thug named Bubba and put in solitary confinement for Life. Just for spreading my Mom's ashes at Target. The life of an addict is so thrilling. To my surprise, Kristen responded to my tweet and offered to go with me for support! How great is that! I knew right away that she was the perfect person to help me do this. Her strength and humor was exactly what I needed to honor Mom at Target. Coincidentally, Kristen has a lot of similarities with my Mom ... beauty, strength and humor. So, we made a date. 

On the day of ... Kristen had a plan. Thank God she did because I was nervous, out of my gay body emotionally and couldn't think straight (or gay). Her idea was to divide Moms ashes up in 2 small containers so that it would be easier to sprinkle Mom as we walked. So we went to Rite Aid, purchased the containers and got back into the car to pour Moms ashes into the containers. Kristen basically did it cause I was slow. Emptying Moms ashes out onto the center console of Kristen's car ... Kristen preceded to divide Moms ashes up with a business card like a seasoned drug addict would prepare a line of coke. The car windows were down so particles of Mom were floating in the breeze everywhere ...all over Kristen's car! She didn't mind. 

Our first attempt to spread Moms ashes at Target was a bust because it was Easter Sunday and it was closed. Part of me was relieved because I didn't have to worry about it. At least we were prepared now so we made plans for the following weekend.

The following Sunday, we once again got in the car and headed back to Target. This time it was open. "Ok, we're really gonna do this. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I'm spooked" Once inside, Kristen grabbed a cart and said "give me the ashes ... let me just do this" And thank God ... I was frozen in anticipation ... this was my Mom! ... this is a big deal! ... A big moment.

So we saunter around the store for awhile. Kristen comfortably looked at things and put items in the cart like she was out strolling in a park on a beautiful day. And there I was a nervous wreck inside. See, she was the perfect person to help me with this. We finally enter the make-up department and Kristen strolls up to a Target employee who happened to be working in the department and starts asking her questions about which products are best for her with her type of skin etc. I'm all interested in what Kristen was asking the girl about and was standing there listening and watching when I looked down and there near Kristen's feet, on the ground, was a big pile of Mom!! Oh my God!! ... Kristen was actually sprinkling Mom onto the floor the whole time she was asking questions to the Target girl! Then Kristen turns to me and says, under her breath, "take the other container! You dump that one!" Kristen knew the importance of this. My heart started beating so fast. I got the container and Kristen led the girl to another area as I followed. Fagsy's thoughts: "I don't think I can do this. I can't move. Then Kristen says "Hurry UP! Do it!" (I figure Kristen couldn't keep this girl for much longer) so I dumped them. Yep, poured Mom right out. I was too nervous to look down so I kept moving with my head up as Kristen and I left the department. As we turned the corner I did briefly glance back and look down at where I had sprinkled Mom and saw the pile of ashes quickly being dragged along through the isle by someone else's shopping cart. 

Perfect.
We did it.

Out of the department, Kristen immediately grabbed me and hugged me tight. In that hug it felt as if my Mom was hugging me ... telling me that it was over ... that it was all okay now and that I did the right thing.

I will forever be grateful to Kristen for her generosity, her open-heartedness, her humor and her strength. She gave me the guts that day to do what I needed to do. And Mom, you're now free and forever in the make-up isle at Target where you can now have all the make-up you've ever dreamed of.

Oh, and obviously we weren't arrested and thrown in jail.

Love you Mom, Love you Kristen!

19 comments:

Patrice said...

Beautiful Mom, beautiful story, beautiful Fagsy and beautiful Gutsy!

I'm so proud of you Fagsy, fighting the difficult but rewarding fight!

Love you!!

lh215bk said...

This is so beautiful! Brought me to tears. Your mom was smiling down that day. I know she's so proud of how far her Fagsy has come. No one other than GUTsy couls have been there with you. I believe God sent GUTsy to us. She's a caring and giving woman. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. Because of her I know you and that's great because you make me so happy!

Thank you for sharing this

Love you!

Laurie

Anonymous said...

"And there near GUTSy's feet, was a big pile of mom!" might be the funniest sentence ever written

Love

GUTSy

Chris said...

What a great story, Fagsy!
Leave it to GUTSy to do just the right thing for a friend... :)

Fagsy Malone said...

Thank you Patrice! Xx

Fagsy Malone said...

Love you too! Xx

Fagsy Malone said...

Love you GUTSy!

Fagsy Malone said...

Thx Chris... she's the best!

Shirley Tutor-Perez said...

I read this the 1st time when you posted it
I cried so hard I had to hug myself. I want to share my story now because I couldn't then. My parents were ways sick. They both were bad smokers & had emphysema. By the time I was 12 I was taking care of them both-by myself. As the youngest everybody was grown & married & had "their own lives" so it fell to me. Dad died January 5th 1989 exactly 1 month before my 17th birthday. I was left to take care of just my mom (who by then was given a trecheostomy & had a portable ventilator at home). She was always emotionally abusive & it just got even worse after dad died. I had no time to grieve & the care for her got excessively harder. She died on Xmas Eve 1990-just 23 months after my dad. I went into a tailspin feeling it was all my fault & I began cutting myself. I was only 18. It took a very long time (9 yrs) for me to get my head on straight & it was all due to a book "Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse" by Gregory L Jantz. I am so happy you have GUTSy & NA to help you thru. You make me smile on a daily basis, & for that I thank you. Hugs as always from Kenosha Wisconsin ��

Taliessa said...

So beautiful! The gift that GUTSy gave to you was the courage to let go. Your mom is so proud of you because you accomplished two very important things, your sobriety and the wonderful way you celebrated her life by fulfilling her wishes. Your mom sent you the courage to say enough is enough but knew you needed someone to kick you in the butt. Enter the lovely and talented GUTSy to help you when you needed it and her friendship to show you that you are a wonderful person deserving all the gifts life has in store. I'm so grateful that you listened that night that GUTSy was being interviewed. I'm grateful you made the decision to get sober. I'm grateful because I have had you as a twitter friend from the start of your sobriety. I've gotten to see you chip away the crap and gradual get to the diamond inside. Of course I'm sure that you've endured some ass kicking to get to where you are. As Pink Floyd once sang: "Shine On, You Crazy Diamond" Be strong and stay fagabulous!!

Fagsy Malone said...

Wow! Incredible. Thx Shurl so much! I'm glad you made it thru and are making it thru.
Love, Fagsy Xx

Fagsy Malone said...

Beautiful! Thank you so much! Really grateful for your support and love.
Love, Fagsy Xx

Gail Maydoney said...

Now everytime I enter target I will have this image of two funny souls fullfilling a most awesome last request...omg I will lol and cry and they will think..hmm clean up in makeup aisle...and then I will lol again..you are an awesome soul!!!! Thank You for sharing all you are...Peace to your Thoughts..Respect to your Walk. .Honor to your Way..Love to your Soul! !!

Fagsy Malone said...

Thank you Gail. Your comment made ME tear up. Thank you. x

Lori Tomas said...

That's beautiful! I love your writing Fagsy. My mother's buried on a hill in the foothills of the Appalachians next to my five year old cousin Joey who died of cancer. I don't go often, but every now and then I go and sit a few, look out on the peaceful hills and talk to them.

Fagsy Malone said...

I like that you talk to them. Thank you Lori. Xx

Jackhole said...

And that is why you two are forever in my brain Lavern and Shirley and of course you fight over who is Lavern! Although this adventure was a bit Lucy and Ethel , In this case Guysy is definately Ethel cause she was always the one that came up with the ideas that Lucy then would screw up... lol I am glad you had the experience. If you have more ashes you could mix Mom's ashes in ceramics clay made a little ceramic decoration you could have Gutsy ask the manager to let be put in the make-up counter case so she could be there forevers not swept up or dragged around on shoes and those stupid carts that get the floppy wheel. But I do understand the need to make the wish come true My cousin's ex-husband passed and her young adult children needed to spread his ashes somewhere that was important to him. I tried to have that facilitated but due to human remains being considered ahhh words don't come stupid Gampentain brain dang it basically illegal to do it... So basically we did the sneak so the kids could spread the ashes clandestinely at sunrise took beautiful photos they can have to remember.. you totally should try to get the security footage to get screen grabs lol. I am happy you two found each other. I also think you should totally sell the story to 2 Broke Girls if they have no plans to introduce Max's Mom could have her die with ashes spread request like your Mom cause you pretty much have the story written and have KJo guest direct the episode :-)
Love you two keep saving each-other while making great comedy for us (And yes that is the rec commendation that you become a writing team and get your lives made a sit com might as well make some money off the shenanigans ;-)

Ann Herberger said...

Fagsy,
You are a gem! I have followed you on Twitter since you started this journey. I love this story & I felt like I too was connected with you & your mom. I like be that GUTsy went went with because it's our shared experiences that get us through this life. How perfect that you showed up on Easter Sunday the first time! I'm always rooting for you - for sobriety, your happiness and your heart!

Thank you for sharing!
Ann

Fagsy Malone said...

Thank you Ann! Xoxo