Sunday, August 13, 2017

Out With The Old - In With The New

After my Mom died in 2007, I went into a deep depression. I couldn't process the fact that my beautiful strong Mother had died. It didn't make sense. I knew it was coming and she was ready to go but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. So, in order for me to deal with the pain I took pain killers. Five long years I was hooked on that shit. I'm lucky to be alive today. And clean.

During those five years of depression and isolating from the world ... I spent a lot of time on social media. Twitter became my link to the outside world. I was crass and cutting. Never mean but because I wasn't happy, I was hyper-sensitive to the successful. Resentment is a dangerous place to dwell in and girl, I dwelled in it for all those years and I think it was apparent at times on Twitter and here on this blog.

Eventually, (as some may know), I found my way in to recovery and it saved my life. I hated going to meetings and working the steps. I hated not being able to pop a couple pills to "feel better". It was horrible but thank God something in me told me to stay with it. I worked my ass off to get clean and tho it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, now every day, I'm filled with gratitude that I stuck with it, that I'm alive, I'm clean, I'm happy and that I finally know what it feels like to love yourself.

This blog was my journal for the five years I was depressed. I lay'd it down. I was honest and blunt with everything I was going thru at the time. It was an outlet for me to maybe be of service, in a sense, to the addict who was suffering out there and I think it worked. Over the years I've received countless e-mails from readers who identified with me and all that I was going through. Many shared that they didn't feel so alone after reading my blog and many went into recovery because of me! This was the pay off and what kept me writing. If I helped even just one person then it was all worth it.  I also told crazy stories which by the way, were all true. Like when I farted on "Karen" or spreading my Moms ashes at Target or me trying to get out of jury "doody". This blog, was my world. It became a tool to help me thru the pain of getting clean and finding my way out of the darkness and into the light.

Over this last year, I started to feel happy, hopeful and optimistic about my life again. The turning point for me was when I realized that a lot of my resentment and unhappiness centered around me playing the victim. Everything was everyone else's fault. My expectation of what I thought others should do for me was the culprit. Expectation leads to resentment ... resentment leads to unhappiness. When I got this, it felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Because this blog was mostly a record of my unhappiness and I was no longer unhappy ... over the last year I just kinda let it sit here. It reminded me too much of sadness and all those unhappy years. I'd try to read something I wrote 4 years ago and could barely get thru it. I lost the desire to write.
Yesterday, out of the blue, something told me to un-publish all my past blog entries and re-design the blog. Start over with a new look and new blog entries! Positive, uplifting, crazy and informative entries! No more sad "woe is me" posts! Now, don't get me wrong ... I'm human, I have my days but as far as this blog goes ... I'll only be posting positive, fun, uplifting and entertaining things from here on out.

I want to thank everyone who has followed me thru it all. You have no idea how much your support helped me. Over 78,000 hits is no joke! Super grateful!!

So here's to a new fun-filled chapter of my life!

Thanks for reading!
♥️ Fagsy

2 comments:

Helen Nesci said...

Well done honey, you are amazing, so talented and so very gorgeous. Big loves and hugs xx

Leslie Juvin-Acker said...

Hello Fagsy!

What a wonderful opportunity for you to change your story - you literally are re-writing it right now - and turn it into an inspirational and safe space were you and everyone can feel free to be themselves.

It's always so awakening to be at a point in your journey where self-reflection allows you to stop seeing the flaws and start seeing the beauty. In your beauty, you shine and bring so much joy and hope to those around you - many of whom you have never even met.

A pleasure to have met you and I hope to see you and be in your company soon.

Wishing you all the joy and peace on your journey of awakening!

Warmly,
Leslie