Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Fagsy M-ALONE

I never planned on being alone & single at my age. Kissed a lot of frogs, sat thru a thousand excruciating dates, been on every dating app & site invented, showed up to every blind date I was set up on etc. etc. etc. Not sure what I did wrong or if I did anything wrong at all? I tried. I really did. And for years. So now, here I am. Habitually comfortable with being alone. 

Every night before I turn out the light to go to sleep I think about my aloneness. Not in a sad or depressed way but more in just a conscious way at how normal and comfortable my aloneness feels to me. If I were to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent so many years looking for the one man who'd fulfill the fantasy I held onto of what a relationship is supposed to be. I wouldn't have looked desperately for "the one". And I would not have played the victim in my loneliness. No, if I were to do it all over again .... I'd work on loving myself first and loving myself enough to be okay with being alone. I'd have not confused sex or attention for love and I would not have any expectations. I'd've looked for a connection with someone first and relished in that instead of pushing to have sex right out of the gate and THEN expecting a connection. I'd spend more time with friends and famliy and I'd focus on believing in myself and working towards achieving goals and making my dreams come true.

Too many years my focus was to find love. To fill a void in me that didn't feel good enough. I've worked hard to fill that void up over the past couple years and I think I've done pretty good. I actually enjoy being with myself now. Yes, I have that conscious moment that I'm alone before I go to sleep every night but it's just an observation. Maybe to keep me on track. Who knows?

I guess what I'm trying to say is ... love yourself. Don't go out there looking for love in some trashy roadhouse bar or hick-town bait party. It ain't there. Love is right here, right now, inside of you. If you can't seem to get to it or understand it ... do the work! Learn to love yourself unconditionally. Learn to feel lovable! It's not something that's out there far away ... it's right here girl. Trust me kiddos ... self love is the key to a content & happy life.

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